Had my last session with Dr. H. this morning, and she raised an important thought: How am I going to deal with Hot Mess's absence? I've given all of this attention to the going without lending a thought to the gone. And the gone is going to be a bitch.
The gone is going to leave a great big fucking hole with absolutely nothing to fill it except food, random sex, and shopping. I have no one in my life currently who can easily move into the role he has in my life. And I don't know how to find or what to look for in a potential candidate. I'm completely at a loss.
And I'm so afraid to screw it up. Getting things right with Hot Mess--at least, as right as they are--has been painful enough. With new people, or new relationships with old people, there are so many opportunities for screwups, and that could be a significant setback for me.
And yet, I don't resent him for going. I know this is what he needs to be doing right now. If anything, I'm jealous; I wish I had the stones to chuck it all and pursue a dream. Maybe I'll be inspired. Or maybe not.
He flies Friday. We've reached the official point of no looking back. That's two days to enjoy his presence, refrain from declaring my love for him, and try my best to prepare for the aftermath of his departure.
Or just not think about it at all. Yeah. I think I'll go with that one.
1 comment:
Ok..I've read all your posts.
Did Hot Mess leave today? How far away is he? Have you heard from him since he left, to say he made it, etc?
Are you ok? (that sounds so stupid to ask)
How was the 'goodbye'?
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