Tossed over the shoulder last thing as he headed into the airport. Now, granted, I did break the L-word seal, but it was casual and in passing--I gestured at his crap spread out across my living room and said, "This is how I love you. I let you move your apartment into my living room." And he laughed and seemed not to notice, and we moved on.
I'm trying not to obsess, because in the end, it doesn't matter what he meant by it. He's gone, and if it's not for good, it's for a good long time. Still, it's in my nature to wonder. One friend thinks he was just too much of a wuss to say it properly--which is believable; God knows I was--and I just don't know if I dare to hope.
Whatever. I need to get over it, because he's the kind of gone that doesn't go away. I need to be able to move on and find someone who will say it when they're not on their way across the country.
And as I try to move on, to literally close the book on it, I think of the CD I made him. It had some pretty significant tracks on it (I know, and unrequited love mix tape. How lame). Will he realize that "A Song For You" and "All That I'm Good For" have any additional meaning to me? If he does, how will he react? Is he having pretty much the same thought process that I am right now? Do I want him to? How lame am I for hiding my feelings in a fucking CD like a fucking high schooler? How lame am I for caring if he feels the same?
Pathetic.
Move on, high schooler.
And part of me is still waiting for the text message that will never come.
Pa. Thetic.
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