Feelin' good

I had a realization today, and I thought I'd commit it to paper since everything else in here is so godawful depressing (and there's a reason for that--when I get down, I get all introspective and whiny, and I feel guilty enough imposing that on a blog. When I'm up, I'm too busy sharing it with the world to sit down and write).

No more Jimmie Legs.

My periods of what has since been identified as hypomania were marked by the most horrible, skin-crawly urges to move you can believe. I would go out running only because sitting still was agony. It was the illegitimate love child of an itch and a tingle and the feeling you get when you put your tongue on a battery, multiplied by ten, and I haven't felt it in at least a month. So I'm thanking the gods and the drugs and whatever else.

No more Jimmie Legs. The urge to smoke has gone way down. The urge for sex is gone, and I've had my opportunities, too. I was irritable this weekend, but I'm fairly sure that's just due to my impending period. The insomnia's gone. The urge to eat is controllable, making the urge to purge a nonissue.

So there's joy in my life. I feel I need and deserve it. I may be down, but I know it's sadness, not depression. It's situational. It's logical for me to feel sad right now (as logical as feelings ever are). And as bizarre as it sounds, it makes me feel happy to feel sad.

It's something I discussed briefly with Dr. R. at our last session. He mentioned me being depressed about the Hot Mess thing, and I was able to correct him: not depressed, sad. Having been there, I know the difference. And when Dr. F. and I were discussing medication, I told him that I still wanted to experience my emotions, because they're what make a life out of an existence. I'd been numb, and I didn't want to do it again.

No numbness. No depression or hypomania. Happiness, contentedness, and sadness. My life's not perfect, and it's not likely to stay this way for long, but for just one day, things seem to be more or less working out on the mental health front. And when you've got the crazazy, that's pretty damn noteworthy.