I know how I feel after the first pill: dizzy. Woozy. Sleepy. Certainly not sharp and aware like you really need to be in a job like mine. I felt like this when I first started the Abilify, too, and it went away, so I'm not worried about being this way forever, but this is just not a convenient time in my personal life or my career to be test-driving new drugs and working through side effects. A little stability would be nice.
I won't pretend I'm not wary of what is now a drug cocktail. I try to keep the number of foreign chemicals that I introduce into my body to a minimum--I hardly take Advil for a headache--and now I'm up to three daily pills, if you count my birth control. Add in my calcium and the glucosamine I'm taking for my hip and I'm a walking pharmacopia.
If it works, though, I'm for it. And Dr. R. seems to think it'll help. I thought the Abilify was supposed to help with the depression, but apparently not. Dr. R. seemed concerned that I cry a lot--a lot--all the time, and while I'm a bit concerned about that myself, I don't know that I'm concerned enough to want to pop a pill.
I guess I just didn't know that I was depressed. I thought I was tired and sad and frustrated and stressed out, which is different, right? It's situational; you change the circumstances and it goes away. And I think that's the rub, for me: I'm entirely willing to do and take whatever is necessary to correct my malfunctioning brain chemistry, but I'm not going to take a pill to make the world go away. I like the world. It just pisses me off sometimes, is all.
But maybe this will be okay. It's an SSRI, and all that does is let the seratonin bounce around in my head a little bit longer, right? That can't be a bad thing. And I gave Dr. R. my speech about not wanting to be numb or flat, and he seemed to understand and maybe even care.
And Dad's okay with it. And Dad is, for all of his faults, a wicked awesome doctor, so if he's okay with it, I'm okay with it. Crazazy Cocktail it is. To my health.
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