More family ties

So, I'm actually going to get a chance to talk to Mom today before she leaves. She said Dad had asked about me, but she didn't know how I was doing because we were busy yesterday. True, we were, although it's not like she actually asked how I was. But that doesn't matter now, because she's asking now, and I don't really know what to say.

The side effects suck. Not as badly as the illness does, but they suck. I've never slept properly, so the insomnia is nothing new, but I hate being thirsty all the time. And I hate being, simultaneously, ravenously hungry and completely full up.

And I hate the thought that it might not be working. I hate being down--although right now, it's likely that I'm lonely and bored and not depressed. And sad, and maybe a little bit betrayed. I hate the highs, too, the racing mind and mouth and tapping foot and clumsy fingers. That's what lets me know that I don't just have depression, I have the crazazy, and that's a lot more complicated to deal with.

I also hate that the self-destructive urges are back. I purged last night, and then this morning, I wanted a cigarette more than anything in the world. I'm lucky that Hot Mess is out of town right now (and that he seems to want to just be friends), because if he were here, I'd most likely make a self-destructive booty call. I really want to call Dr. H., but I'm afraid of being weak or dependent, and I think I can make it another week and a half. Probably.

Maybe I really should just lay it all out on Mom and let her know what I need. I could DEAR MAN it and come back to Dr. H. with something positive to discuss.

D - Describe the current situation. "We know that I've been deeply unhappy for a couple of months now, although we don't exactly know why. And there is some disagreement on how to make it better. We know, though, that I'm in a great place for psychiatric treatment, that they do know their stuff. And we know that I, even at my most messed up, tend to be a Responsible Person who makes good, mature decisions."

E - Express your feelings and opinions. "I feel like I'm not getting a lot of support from you and Dad because you don't really agree with how this is all being handled. I feel like you're second-guessing the experiences I've been having and the feelings I've been feeling, even though I'm the only person who can tell what I'm experiencing or feeling. And I feel like you're second-guessing my doctor, whom I've put my faith in, which feels a lot like you're questioning my judgment."

A - Assert yourself. "I want your support. I want you to look beyond yourselves as principles in this and focus on me. I'm aware of the emotional turmoil that you and Dad are probably going through right now, and I'm sympathetic, but you have to put that aside and focus on me when we're dealing with this. I want you to accept my experiences and feelings as I interpret them and not just make your own assumptions. And I want you to treat me as a capable adult--capable of interpreting my own feelings, capable of making my own health-care choices, capable of making my own life choices--and not just some emotional child to be worked around. I want you to trust the doctors I've picked, because I picked them. And when I make a decision that you disagree with, I want you to say your piece--once--and then I want you to take comfort in the fact that you've raised me well and that I'm equipped to make my own decisions."

R - Reinforce the positive effects of getting what you want. "If you can do that, it'll help us preserve our relationship through this whole mess, which is definitely preferable. It also will help empower me in my own treatment, which is necessary for healing. It will help me learn to trust myself again, which I haven't t been able to do lately. And it may even help you and Dad worry less through this very worrisome process."

Throughout, of course, I'll remain Mindful of my objectives, I'll Appear confident (even if I just want to cry), and I'll try to Negotiate so we all get what we want.

Will it work? God, I hope so, although Mom isn't always the best person to talk to at times like this. Better than Dad, though; when I get emotional-but-serious, half the time, he starts laughing. The other half, though he's really great, better than Mom. So I guess we'll see.

Further updates as events warrant.