It's just that I've been doing this for, what (checks) working on three weeks now, and I'm only getting marginally better. I'm purging again (which might explain things somewhat), I'm not sleeping, I'm physically exhausted, and I'm panicky. Dr. F. said the drugs are supposed to slow down that immediate reaction to let me look at things rationally, but there have been at least three incidences when I've been so frustrated I nearly cried. Cried tears. At work.
Is this a failure on the drug's part, or am I just under such a ridiculous amount of stress right now that even Abilify can't overcome the self-destructive and panicky urges? And if so, what to do? Increase the dosage until stress levels are normal? Or let it ride and try to reduce stress on my own? Or both? Thank God I'm seeing Dr. H. tomorrow. I had to force myself to keep my interview appointment for a story today because I'm so tired and frustrated I just want to go home sick.
Hot Mess had better call todamnnight. I'm making this my bright-line test. I missed him like burning while he was gone, and if he can't be arsed to get in touch with me even to ask that favor he was talking about, our feelings are unequal and I need to pull out. I don't care how few minutes he has left on his phone; if he cares, he cares, and if he doesn't, I'm out.
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