How ridiculous is that? I'm not ready to be a mom; Hot Mess absolutely isn't ready to be a dad (in fact, in his current I'm-a-screwup mindset, an unintended pregnancy might just kill him). Maybe it's the self-destructive part of me jumping up again, I don't know. But some part of me wanted it.
Maybe it's because in my dream, it was awesome. Despite being burdened with an unintended pregnancy, I was happy and beautiful. And my parents were irate, and I don't even remember H.M.'s reaction; I don't even know if h was in the dream. But I was happy and beautiful and excited about the life inside of me.
The dream dictionaries all say something about a new creative endeavor, but I think it's about H.M. I think that now that he's gone, I'm clinging to any remnant of him that I can find, even if it' just his half of a phantom bastard. Pathetic.
Today at Mass, Father was talking about the power we have to change other people's lives and to heal, and I nearly started crying in the middle of church because of course I thought about Hot Mess and the ways I healed him and the ways he healed me. Except it feels like, in healing me, he grew into the injured parts, so that when he left he ripped it all open again.
I went on an actual date Saturday night. New Guy is great. He's the diametrical opposite of H.M. in just about every way: tall, built, much older, stable, established, very focused, very intense. He opened doors. He stood when I left the table and again when I returned. He's everything that I need in a man at this stage of my life.
But he's not going to sit up with me and teach me to play poker when I can't sleep. And he's not going to suddenly whack me with a pillow just because the room got too quiet. And although he'll feel duty-bound to take care of me, he won't let me return the favor. And that' s what I need at this stage of my life, too.
Maybe I'm just not ready to date again yet. Because every man I see will be measured against Hot Mess, and lose, because nobody's him. And I need to get used to the fact that I will never have him.
2 comments:
Wow...I dont want this to sound wrong but reading your blog is hard. I say that because it hits so freakin close to home. I read several blogs and can usually offer even a tiny piece of advice but reading yours is like seeing the inner parts of my mind in black and white. I cling to people and relationships that I know damn well are not good for me but I force them into place anyway because they conform to my sense of normal. I guess the kicker is that my sense of normal is what is totally fucked up. I have repeatedly sought to get real love from people that I will never get it from either because they are not capable of giving it or what I'm really doing is putting my happiness and worth into another person and calling it love. I can detach and say all this like I'm talking about someone else but actually admitting that it is ME doing it and making the change is a completely different thing.
Sorry to ramble. By no means am I glad you are going thru this but I do want you to know that you are not alone and I guess I have taken away that I am not alone either even though I feel stupid for the mistakes I make over and over. The isolation is paralyzing at times. Please dont let yourself get to that point. I have and it is hell.
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