The prayer of the nervous bulimic

Okay, so things are kind of falling apart, and I'm kind of scared. I've purged twice today and once yesterday, the big, heaving, heart-pounding kind that remind you exactly how bulimia can kill you. And I don't want to die, certainly not from that.

I'm just sad and lonely, so I comfort-eat an entire box of lemon-poppyseed scones and then feel guilty about it. Or all of that bread and cheese and wine (and I'm not even supposed to drink on Abilify). I've gained so much weight in the past few months, and I can't even chalk it up to the drugs. I'm just sad and eating.

I haven't actually had a drug-related side effect at all in over a month, but who needs 'em? Loss of appetite? I'll stuff myself anyway; it's not about being hungry. Insomnia? I was up anyway. I come front-loaded with my own set of neuroses that top anything Abilify could throw at me, were it still throwing it.

And it does seem to be working. The stuff I'm dealing with now is harsh, but it isn't crazazy-related. I'm sad, but I'm not depressed--and I've been doing this long enough to know the difference. I've got insomnia, but it's from stress and not mania. I spent too much today, but it was because I needed new work clothes. My thoughts aren't racing, I'm not irritable. The only person I want to have sex with is the man I love, however otherwise inadvisable that might be.

Unfortunately, the stuff that I'm still dealing with is just as harmful as bipolar II. Food issues are the worst because you can't just go cold-turkey. An alcoholic can choose never to set foot in another bar, but I have to eat, and if I feel like bingeing, the opportunity is always there.

The underlying addiction, of course, is Hot Mess, and that's one monkey that I can't and won't kick. I should tell him not to e-mail anymore so I can heal and move on. But I told him that I'd always be there as a friend, and moreover, I don't want to quit him. At this point, and I'm not saying it will never change, I would rather be pining and miserable than with somebody else, and I have a feeling that's going to be interfering with my future relationships until I make the decision to let it go. Which I don't see myself doing any time soon.

Sorry, New Guy.

Lord, please don't let me die in my sleep. Amen.