Two steps back

I have no idea what I'm going to say to Dr. H. tomorrow. There aren't enough minutes in a session. "Well, Dr. H., I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I'm stressed, I'm unhappy, and I'm doing bad things to myself."

"Work is a chaotic mess, and every time I try to do something to make it less so, They come along and jumble things up again. I now have more work for more departments than I can handle. I've tried talking with Boss of Eternal Evil about it, and she seems understanding and willing to help, but I'm not really optimistic because of the big problem, the fact that I've got more work for more departments than I can handle and I'm not getting any additional help or compensation, isn't going to change. To them, it isn't a problem but the solution to a problem. To me, not so much.

"And how am I dealing with it? Shopping, throwing up falafel, and having inadvisable ex sex. So much for my meds working. I bumped up the dosage this morning, but I'm still walking around feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. I definitely don't feel like my stress reaction is being slowed down at all; on the contrary, I'm constantly ready to pop.

"And the sex last night? Not that good. I just wanted the physical intimacy, and it started out that way, but it ended... another way. I've always gone to him because he's always accepted me just as I am, but I begin to suspect that's because he just plain doesn't care--one way or the other, or about me. Hello to the false sense of emotional intimacy. Not that it matters, since he's leaving in a month, which I saw coming, but it's like to level me, and I wish he'd just go already so I can start getting over him. I know I won't be able to find someone else as long as he's in the picture, because what we have is the ideal by my standards--if only he loved me.

"So that's where I am, Dr. H. Work's a mess, romantic life's a mess, mental health is a big old mess, and while I trust that one exists, I don't see a future where all or even any of that gets resolved. I don't even know where to start. So, in other words, pretty much where I was the first time you saw me. Yay for progress."