Mad wicked codependent, but not hopelessly so

I am mad wicked codependent. Yesterday, I got a call from Hot Mess that he'd just gotten fired. Knowing that it was almost certainly his fault, I was nonetheless sympathetic to the point that I showed up uninvited at his place and dragged him bodily from his funk (for which he was grateful).

He made the point several times throughout the (long) evening that I'm really his only friend at this point and that I'm better to him than he deserves (true), and while I'm ashamed to say this, it kind of made me feel... good. I think I'd be really jealous if he had someone else to give him the kind of comfort I give him.

That said, he's way more attractive when he has his shit together. I know that a lot of what's going on (his rent check getting lost) isn't his fault, but a lot of it (fighting with his brother and getting himself fired) is, and I find him far more attractive when he's being mature and reasonable. That's not to say I wouldn't still hit that twice, nonconsecutively; it just means that I prefer him less needy rather than more needy, which means that I'm not hopelessly codependent.

And now he wants to borrow money, which I just don't know about. I'd be more willing to give him the money outright, if I had it to spare; Dad has imbued me with his wariness of loans among friends. I just don't want our relationship to be like that.

But then, I'm not sure what I do want our relationship to be like. We stayed up last night until after 3 a.m. just hanging out and watching movies, and it was great. I love doing friend stuff with him. But then, I also love the way he smells, the way he hugs, the sound of his voice, the way (sappy alert here) he looks in the dark with the street lights filtering through the blinds, and I'm fairly sure that if things were different, if I knew for sure that I had no chance with him, that I couldn't stand being just friends. Because I love him.

Have I mentioned I'm pathetic?

Assuming it actually happens, this "leaving town" thing will be very, very good for me. Once he's not around, I'll be able to get out of this crazy mentality and, I hope, move on. It tears me up to think about him not being here, but I just can't go on like this. I'm finally beginning to accept that Hot Mess Limbo is not actually a tolerable alternative to a healthy, mature, equitable, communicative romantic relationship. And that's what I need to hold out for.