Letting go

I think I'm really ready for Hot Mess to get gone. I'll miss him for sure, because he's the best friend I have in town and I love spending time with him. But I'm starting to get over my romantic feelings for him and recognizing that things just wouldn't work out.

I'm starting to really accept how bad he is in a crisis, which he's under right now. He strikes me as the type who can kind of muddle through most things but will never really thrive, never be truly successful, until they start planning and thinking logically and looking to the future. H.M. still flies exclusively by the seat of his pants, and his pants are a pretty shitty pilot.

What I need is Hot Mess with about five years of added maturity on him. Still fun, quirky, moody, impulsive, physical, affectionate, thoughtful, and shit hot, but with some amount of reason and logic and stability to balance it out. Someone who dreams big but then comes up with plans and contingencies to make it happen. Someone with balls and brains.

That said, I could do with a couple of good days with him for closure. Maybe a couple of overnights: time enough watch a movie, play Scrabble, eat dinner, talk into the wee hours, have good sex, and wake up together before I put him on a plane and wish him well. A few good memories and a solid certainty that that is all they'll ever be.

In other news, it looks like I might not be able to move into the new place after all. I haven't gotten a single nibble on my apartment, and I certainly can't afford two rents. I'm kind of of two minds about it. On the one hand, I'm pretty crushed. I know that this is, has been, and will forever be my dream apartment, and if I don't get it now I'll never get another chance. But my logical mind is telling me that moving is expensive and a huge hassle, that there will be other apartments that are great even if they aren't my dream place, and that now I have time to look for one before my lease is legitimately up. That kind of logic, and my ability to stay logical and not just wig out about the prospect of losing the apartment, are kind of comforting, especially considering my mental and emotional state of late.

Maybe I'm not so pathetic after all.